FAKE TAN personnel
Get to know your loving, caring FAKE TAN band members, with these honest and sometimes heart-warming stories of their formative years.
(Any similarity with persons alive or dead is purely coincidental.)
Name: Mark "Sparkle" Sparkle
Star Sign: Capricorn (Although would rather be Saggitarius again).
Height: 5'9" (Variable - especially at weekends).
Weight: 186lbs. (Wants to get back to his fighting weight of 178lbs).
Instruments: Voice - average (but can sound like an above average lady)
Drums - slightly better than average
Guitar - well below average
Bass - better than he should be, but still awful
Percussion - owns his own congas
Spoons - just learning - owns his own tablespoons
Keyboards - totally shameful
Special Attacks: 'Guitar Leap' (Can stun victim at 50 paces).
'Splits' (Causes confusion in victims - and produces the 'Coverdale-Shriek', see below).
Special Defence: 'Ultra High Coverdale-Shriek' (Really painful for everyone).
'Girl Disguise' (Can sing like Maddonna to confuse enemies).
Worked With: Tina Dico, Chesney Hawkes, Amberdog, Marcus Felt,
Stina Jacobsen - and loads that never made it.
Biog: 'Sparkle' was born on the winter solstice, three days before Christmas, and then again on Boxing Day. His formative years from the age of 4 were spent on the Mississippi River as a card sharp on the boat - 'Shiny Belle' and as a Can-Can dancer. Relocating to England, he broke into the London music scene at age nine when he starred in Lionel Bart's 'Oliver' - playing the bowl of gruel - and within a year had landed the lead role - as Fagin's hat. He can speak 14 languages, has loads of trousers and likes air, not the band Air - just air. He has never seen Dirty Dancing all the way through. His ambition is to build a settee.
Sparkle is an active campaigner for the 'More TV Work For Geoff Capes' charity.
Name: Gino "Once An Adonis" Romantico
Star Sign: Leo (Always the Tigress).
Height: 6'2" (Ranked 3rd in Fake Tan Tallness stakes).
Weight: 200lbs. (In the shade, and rising).
Instruments: Drums (his primary activity)
Harmonies to Die For (higher, get higher baby and dont ever come down, freebase)
Bass (1980`s reggae Only)
Hand Claps (depending on blood alcohol levels)
Heavily Sarcastic Gesturing (irrelevant to blood alcohol levels)
Special Attacks: 'Double Stick Thrust' (Potentially a lethal double injection of wood).
'Double Bass Drum Kicks' (He thinks they`re impressive... but they're not)
Special Defence: 'Sitting At The Back' (Its the way the cookie crumbles)
'Falsetto' (Encourages the enemy to believe he is harmless to all).
Worked With: Stereophonics, The Verve, Supergrass, Kylie... but never as a musician.
Biog: Gino was born on a hot summers day in July, but not as hot as the summer that followed. From a young age he bored potential friends to tears by only wanting to play records and not Star Wars, leading to a lonely childhood with only the ritual torture of his younger sister to occupy his feeble mind. His formative years were spent talking about playing the drums without actually playing them, with a two week stint on air guitar, after which he moved onto air bass as there were less strings to worry about. He broke into the music business at age 14 playing songs with a maximum of 3 chords with no vocals in his school band. He is slightly below average (9 year old's standard) in 3 instruments. For many years now he has modelled himself as the character of "Dalton" in the hit 1986 film "Roadhouse" with mixed results. His goal in life is to become a better human being, help those around him, work towards world peace and slowly but surely decrease his wine consumption.
Sparkle is an active campaigner for the 'More TV Work For Geoff Capes' charity - and doesn't Gino know it!
Name: Duck "Duck" Blackwell
Star Sign: Virgo
Height: 6'3" (Ranked 2rd in Fake Tan Tallness stakes).
Weight: 210lbs. (Body fat is only 0.0003%).
Instruments: Keyboards (Extraordinary abilities)
Keytar (Is it a guitar - is it a keyboard? We'll never know...)
Bass (Shabby at best).
Guitar (He cheats, y'know).
Backing Vocals (Louder than everyone else - sometimes up to 12).
Drums (See below).
Special Attacks: 'Anything You Can Play - I Can Play Better' (Uncannily like Van Halen - but on the keyboard).
'Anything You Can Play - I Can Play LOUDER' (He controls the volume of the band - so therefore...)
Special Defence: 'Loudness' (See above).
'Drumming' (He is suspiciously good at drums. Can be unnerving for everyone else. Especially drummers).
Worked With: Easier to mention people he hasn't worked with. Literally.You name a mega-star - Duck's 'ad 'em in his studio.
Biog: Duck was the product of a cloning experiment. DNA was taken from Michael McDonald, all the members of Toto and Lemmy from Motorhead. The yacht-rock monster was born - a bit like the orcs were in the second Lord of the Rings film - with unparalleled knowledge of 80's soft rock and pop (apart from Sol that is, see next page). The Lemmy DNA was just to give the creature more VOLUME. The sphere of Duck's influence cannot be underestimated. Everyone from George Michael to the Saturdays, from Peter Gabriel to S-Club 7 have been touched by his uber-proDUCKtion skills. If you cannot hear the subtle change in the artists' sound after having Duck's wizard touch of added warmth to the vocals, fatter spread to drums or depth and vintage tone-quality to the guitars - just listen for the really LOUD albums they made, those'll be the ones Duck worked on. Duck can play anything, at anytime to anyone - as long as it's 80's... and has a keyboard riff in it. For more information about how talented he is - simply Google "Aeroplane Song".
Sparkle is an active campaigner for the 'More TV Work For Geoff Capes' charity - and Duck is concerned about this.
Name: Jon 'Lord Q' Lapworth (aka - Iron Dog or Mr. C.B Baggy).
Star Sign: Gemini
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 178lbs. (Mostly water/liquid)
Instruments: Bass. (Metal and prog-rock specialist).
Guitar. (He knows enough chords to satisfy).
Special Attacks: 'I Know Where You Live' (He does, quite literally, know where everybody lives).
'Your Mum' (His inate ability to charm parents is off the scale - and shouldn't be underestimated).
Special Defence: 'I Work For the Government, Your Honour' (This has been known to get him out of many a scrape).
'Levitation' (When things get really sticky - he just levitates - see pic opposite).
Worked With: Molly Noise, Fore, Tasty, Panterra (probably) Rush, see below.
Biog: Lord Q was first spotted by Rush's Geddy Lee at aged only eleven. He saw Q playing the bassline to 'YYZ' on an elastic band/tissue box combination, in a field, whilst naked. After Geddy got dressed, he invited Q to fill in for him on their European tour - playing behind the curtain. This is not a Rush album - he quite literally played behind the curtain - so that Mr. Lee could rest his "one good finger, occasionally". Q rose to prominance in the late 80's and early 90's - playing behind the curtain for many major acts, including Fishboned, Alice in Cooper Chains and Tubby Joe Knackers and the Eugenes. There is not a venue in the world that The Q hasn't been thrown out of, a bar in Hong Kong or New York where he doesn't know the bar manager intimately, or a school gate in London or the home counties that he hasn't hung around at. Aside from his bass playing duties, Lord Q has spent time as a tight end for the New York Dolls, a secret agent for the Bristish Government and as a foreign council to the office of foreign council flats in Panama.
Lord Q knows all about Sparkle and Geoff Capes and has all the best stuff on file on his work computer, if you're interested.
Name: Matty 'McFry' Gleeson
Star Sign: Taurus
Height: 5'8" (6'4" on stage, however)
Weight: Svelt
Instruments: Lead Guitar (If Jimi Hendrix could've played the guitar - that's how good McFry would be. No... wait...)
Special Attacks: 'Effects Board' (Despite the name - these are staggering effects - and nobody gets bored).
'High Voltage' (He has a medium sized power station - think Battersea in the 70's - built into his guitar).
Special Defence: 'Rocket-Powered Boots' (His signature 'McFry' boots have rockets in 'em).
'Rocket-Powered Guitar' (His signature 'McFry' guitar has rockets in it).
Worked With: Chas Chandler, Dirty Amps.
Biog: Much akin to the DNA crossbreeding that was used to create Duck, McFry is the result of an experiment - where 'they' crossed DNA from Dave Grohl with DNA from the characters from South Park. He is a bit like Inspector Gadget, but without the silly voice and the theme tune, in that he has more 'toys' and special tools hidden about his person than is necessay. Everything he uses, he builds himself - usually putting rockets in the device in the process. He has rocket-powered butter, rocket-powered post-it notes and rocket-powered rockets. It is rumored that he has little tiny rockets in each of his fingers for added speed when guitar 'shredding' - apparently there are satellite pictures on Google Earth that can confirm this. Although wikipedia says that McFry is only 24, his real age is 23 (at the time of writing). Note: the picture of him opposite - was taken when he was 20. Due to his youthful exterior, he will forever suffer the shame (or delight) of being ID'd at hardware shops when buying knives or rockets.
McFry has no idea who Geoff Capes is - but he wants to put rockets in him.
Name: Sol "Saracen" Soloman
Star Sign: Taurus (the one with the Horns)
Height: 6'6" (Ranked 1st in Fake Tan Tallness stakes).
Weight: 221lbs. (Sol's body fat is too low to be detected by even the most sophisticated equipment. Body fat = Trace).
Instruments: Drums (Disgustingly good)
Bass (Main Instrument. Lovingly refered to as his "weapon".)
Keyboards (also - disgustingly good.)
Guitar (played "Stairway to Heaven" in a guitar shop recently. People actually clapped.)
Saxophone, flute, violin, trumpet etc etc...... see below....
Almost Anything Else. (Similar to Duck's production credits - ie easier to name the things he can't play).
Special Attacks: 'Tall' (He's 6'6" for crying out loud.)
'Peacocking' (It's all in the detail. The cufflinks, the shoes, the Porsche etc etc.... )
Special Defence: 'Gulliver's Stomp' (When Sol stands up really straight, walks on his tiptoes and says "Raargh!" it's scary.
'Bring The Love' (Self-explanatory. And completely irresistible.)
Worked With: Gabriella Cilmi, Kate Nash - and too many women to mention here.
Biog: Sol was born a few months after the baby Jesus and it's hard to say which was the more significant event. Owing to the magical oil painting safely stored in his attic, he will never age above 24. It is hard to say who's sub is 'subbier' out of his and Ben Jammin's (see next page) - but it is rumoured that if they ever hit their bottom B-strings together at the same time - it would create a White Dwarf and engulf most of the known universe. He owns the actual shoes that were used in the Michael Jackson 'Billie Jean' video, purchased from EBAY for a low bid of $14 - and subsequently - when he walks down any highstreet, the paving stones light up with each step. This can be a lot of fun, but it can also be very annoying, for example when you're trying to sneek up on a Frenchman.
Sol once dated Geoff Capes.
Name: Ben 'Jammin' (aka - The Surgeon).
Star Sign: Libra
Height: 5'9" (Legs long enough to reach the floor, unlike Sparkle's).
Weight: 148lbs (80 of that is in his right index finger - see below).
Instruments: Bass. (So good he has to have a Government-issued warrant to play in public now).
Guitar. (Probably better than his bass playing - the authorities have been informed).
Stylophone (Knows the solo and the verse to that Bowie song)
Piano (Has had his car converted to look like a Yamaha baby-grand. Weird).
Drums (Just learning, but has had his toilet converted to look like a Pearl Stage Custom drumkit. Weirder).
Special Attacks: 'All In The Fingers' (The combined strength in his first two fingers can snap a human's back or lower leg).
'The Groove' (His neck & shoulder Groove moves can entice all but the strongest willed creatures to his Pied-Piper like calling into the nearest river. Lethal).
Special Defence: 'Woofer' (His subwoofer is SO low it can actually change your sex).
'For Real' (Has unlimited cred).
Worked With: Duffy, Duncan From Blue, Cheryl Cole, Will Young and Chesney Hawkes.
Biog: Ben Jammin wasn't born - he just WAS. It is said that all the woodland creatures ran towards the small clearing where he first appeared, just outside of Epping Forest, and sang lullabies to the new infant. He held his first bass-shaped stick at only 3 weeks old, and legend tells that by the time he was 4 months - he had mastered all of Level 42's Physical Presence album. The strength of his index 'FUNK-FINGER' should never be underestimated. It is like a nuclear deterrent - good to have on your side, but frightening to make an enemy of. Before Ben started playing bass - the instrument only had two strings - it was he that actually added the extra two 'to give the world more depth'. When Ben is not playing bass or guitar for mega-stars - he is a Spiritual Shaman, based in Epping Forest.
Ben also does a lot of good work for the 'More TV Work For Geoff Capes' Foundation.
Name: Matt 'Hunter' Hunt (aka - The Thumb or The Little Big Matt).
Weight: 225lbs... no wait 211lbs ... hang on 187lbs ... (stop losing weight!).
Instruments: Bass. (He's fusion jazz-tastic).
Guitar. (He knows the 'Lost Chord' that the Moody Blues sing about!).
Pipe Organ. (Plays late at night with half his face covered by a metal mask. In an old church. To a lady in a nightie)
Special Attacks: 'His Mighty Thumb' (His thumb is the size of Guildford. Enough said).
'The Cab' (His bass cabinet is the only man-made device that is actually louder than Duck - see previous pages).
Special Defence: 'His Mighty Thumb' (The best form of defence is attack - and his thumb covers both very well).
'Hunter's Chicken' (Not sure what this is - but it doesn't mean that he is scared).
Worked With: Every major fusion band from Steely Dan to Jan Hammer to Darius.
Biog: Hunter was discovered at nursery school by Chic Corea and was immediately invited to join his band. But the four year old 'Matt' turned down the position as it wasn't 'taxing enough' on his rapidly growing skills. After Ben Jammin' famously added the bottom strings to give the guitar more bottom end - Hunter decided, aged just seven, to add a further five strings on the top end so that he could really explore his fusion side more completely. To this day he plays a nine-string fretless, neckless bass. Of course it is his stint on television's 'Gladiators' show that gained him most of his notoriety. His high-profile romance with Scandinavian beauty Ulrika Jonsson and their subsequent tempestous break up was never out of the tabloids. The biggest loss was that he was forced to stop wearing his signature 'Hunter's Lycra Suit' with the distinctive bow on the chest in public. He thankfully left the world of televised pseudo-athletics and returned to his first love: playing the bass in a fusion band. Unfortunately - he made no money there either - so he's with us now.
Hunter doesn't know who the hell Geoff Capes is, as he is too young. However, if he did know meet him - he'd just kick his arse.
